


Hugh Culber Saves Himself

by NervousAsexual



Series: Star Trek Characters Travel Through Time to Punish The DrumpfTruck [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Crack, Fix-It, I FIXED THE GODDAMN CANON, SINCE THE CANON CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO FIX ITSELF, Tardigrades, i am full of many star trek feels and most of them are rage, there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 09:19:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13408167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NervousAsexual/pseuds/NervousAsexual
Summary: Hugh Culber fights tropes and showrunners and fascists.





	Hugh Culber Saves Himself

"My god," Ash Tyler said, "I have broken Hugh Culber's neck."

"No," said Hugh Culber, and slapped him across the face. "I would like to talk to Ash Tyler please."

"Ash Tyler is not in right now," Ash Tyler said. "Please leave a message after the beep. Beep."

"Is that Voq?" Hugh demanded. "Goddammit, if there is a Klingon in my Ash Tyler..."

"It's more likely than you think," said a nurse, and quickly exited the med bay.

"Voq?" said Ash Tyler. "Uh, yes. Yes, this is totally Voq. Please leave a message..."

But it was obvious that whomever was lurking inside Ash Tyler, it was not Voq. Hugh ran a submicron scanner over him and frowned at the readings.

"My god," he said, putting on a pair of glasses so that he could immediately take them off again. "Discovery Showrunners Aaron Harberts and Gretchen J. Berg."

"We have spoken to GLAAD!" the monsters chanted. "It's subverting the Bury Your Gays Trope by totally doing everything inherent in that trope but we're aware that the trope exists! Killing a gay man of color for the angst of his white partner is truly a unique and groundbreaking approach to plot development!"

"Fools," said Hugh Culber, slapping them again. "It's not subversion unless you have changed the trope in some meaningful way."

And he slapped them once more for good measure and went down to the spore drive.

"The darkest timeline, my love, and step on it," he said to Paul Stamets as they plugged themselves into opposite sides of the machine.

"Love you bunches," Paul said.

"Love you also you massive nerd," Hugh said, and was jumped immediately into the darkest timeline and directly into George Takei's morning bowl of Cheerios.

"George," he said, turning to Takei, "we trusted you and you fucking sexually assaulted people."

"I... I did not do those things," George Takei said, shoving a pile of tapes of him admitting sexual assault on the Howard Stern show into a great big fire.

And Hugh Culber slapped him too.

From George Takei's home Hugh Culber did take an Uber to the airport, where he caught a helicopter flown by hundreds of millions of tardigrades in a trench coat to Hawaii. There he found Donald Trump playing golf as the rest of the state cowered in fear of impending nuclear strikes and punched him in his rancid dough-like face. He rolled the alleged president into the twelfth green and stuck his smug pin head into the hole. Feeling much better, he sat down cross-legged on a bench overlooking the sand trap and fiddled with Donald Trump's smart phone until he had spent all of the gross yam's money funding trans folk's medical bills and outfitting the entire world with accessibility aids and paying rent for the homeless.

"You know," he said to the tardigrades in the trenchcoat as they sat down beside him, "ultimately we may have to save ourselves, but it still makes me happy to help people."

"We may save ourselves," observed the tardigrades, "but it is by working together we may save our world."

"You know what?" asked Hugh. "You're absolutely right. Thanks, tardigrades."

And he sat back to watch the sun set over the links and wait for his boyfriend to pick him up again.

 

THE END


End file.
